After a
long year of ridiculous depression and mental darkness I seem to be making a
recovery. I’m far from perfect of course – I can still get knocked down pretty
easily and I know I’m still depressed and have stress and anxiety issues – but I
do, finally, seem to be in recovery. Karen and I are SLOWLY getting our
finances in order, work is awesome and I’m feeling more myself than I have in
years. Most things in my life are going very well and I’m happier than I have
been in a long, long time.
I’m so very
nearly me I’ve changed the name of my blog. The new one seems more appropriate
anyway.
Still, even
with this newfound feeling of joy and confidence, I’m scared. I’m scared for a
very odd reason. I’m scared because I’m closer than ever to achieving my goals.
I’m writing more than ever and it’s as sharp and good as I’ve seen from some of
my favorite authors and I know that if the writing is solid, then the rest is
good because my characters and stories are solid. I’m drawing again and
building up to do actual commissions with my wife and my art is improving
quickly. I’m also finding more and more people interested in my art and my
stories and I’m working hard on getting Hometown up and running again.
All of this
work is starting to pay off. I might be doing it all full time by January of
next year if things go well.
And it
terrifies me.
I’ve wanted
to be a writer since sixth grade and an artist since ninth grade (thanks Dave,
Andy, Cory, and Marvel comics for inspiring me to those particular things). I’ve
been working on one project or another since sixth grade where Mrs. O inspired
me to start down my writing path. Looking back on some of it, I’m glad that I
haven’t been published. But, seeing the response to my art and blog, I’m more
certain than ever I can do this stuff and be successful like I’ve wanted to for
so very long. Not having to leave the house for work would be awesome even
though I know I need to get out now and then and get off my fat ass for my
health both mentally and physically.
Still, it
scares me and I’m not entirely sure why. I mean, I suppose I could be scared of
failure, but that doesn’t seem right. I’m used to getting knocked down or torn
down, or even outright ignored. That’s not a fear, that’s something I’m trying
to fight past as being my norm. My books might not sell (and won’t if I don’t
fucking write the damned things) but this is the internet and time and patience
will see my comics and commissions do well. Hell, I’ve already seen people
willing to pay for my stuff.
I think the
reason I’m scared is that I’m happy. I’d rather forgotten what it was like to
be happy – to not worry constantly, to not have fear be the guiding voice in my
every thought – and I’m only trying it tentatively for now as my brain doesn’t
deal with happiness very well. You see, in my mind, when I’m happy, bad things
happen. Now, it’s not that I’m happy and I see the bad more easily, no, that
would be the rational, reasonable response to such things. No, in my mind, my
happiness directly causes bad things to happen. It’s like a cheap, mundane
version of Angel’s curse, where, instead of turning into a terrible monster
when I’m happy, I just have bad things like getting sick, a blown tire, or
extra bill pop up. My happiness is a DIRECT CAUSE of bad things.
I am aware
this is quite untrue and silly.
Even
knowing that, I can’t seem to fight it.
However, I
am doing my best to deal with it. I’m pushing on regardless of what my stupid
brain tells me and though I’m writing more than drawing, I will soon be doing
both reasonably equally. For now, however, let’s move on to those happy things,
shall we?
I’m working
on quite a few projects right now, more than I’m going to list here. The
important ones are, first and foremost, art.
Well, I
call it art, but…
No, no.
Stop that brain. We’re happy now.
I’m
focusing on getting to the point where I am doing commissions for art online.
Some of them will be colored by Karen and be joint projects for more money. I
think with Karen’s coloring and my line art, we could do some really beautiful
things. So, I’m finishing up some display pieces and by the end of August I’d
like to have sales ready to go. Karen will help me set up prices and display
pieces as she has a bit of experience doing it already. It’s looking very
promising and I think it will go well. I might not make a perfect living off of
it, but it’s a start and something that will make me very happy.
Secondly,
and pretty equally, I’m finishing stuff up for Hometown. I’m working on comics,
art, promos, and more. I think I’m just going to host it on blogspot as its
very own page. It seems the easiest thing to do and the best for the time
being. If or when it gets popular enough I’ll look into my own site for it. For
now, though, I’m having great fun writing and drawing it. It’s also good to
note that my friends who appear in it, who we’ll call Eric and Jess (and those
are probably not their real names, but they know who they are) find the denigrating
humor about themselves as funny as I do. And yeah, I get as good as I give
(mostly with them beating me senseless with baseball bats). I’m not entirely
sure when I’ll start posting it, but I’m shooting for the first Monday in
September. I want to keep it on a Monday, Wednesday, Friday rotation for now,
and maybe if it takes off and I can make a living with it, it can become more
full time. I’m hoping to take this month and build up a bunch of extra comics
that can be ready to go so I have back stuff ready and I don’t have to draw
every day if the need arises, but it’s also my goal to start drawing every day,
so it’s a kind of wait and see for right now.
Those two
things are the things I feel are most easily attainable and the things that I
want to do right now. I think they’ll do well and lead to other things and make
my life somewhat easier financially and emotionally in the long run. But, like
I said, I’m working on a lot of things at once. My top secondary priority is
Legacy of Joresch. A lot of you know this story, or parts of it, in one way or
another. Jacobar has basically taken on a life of his own, with his own Twitter
and Facebook accounts. He doesn’t use them often enough, and maybe that will
change too. However, those people who know him seem to love him, and that’s a
start. Secondly, I keep typing out little scene blurbs that are going to be in
the books and they are more popular than I would have imagined. People I would
not have guessed would read them not only do, but like them and comment on
them.
It’s a
little weird for me.
Mostly,
though, I think it’s a strong story with good characters and I really enjoy
writing it. It’s complex and twisting and has a lot of surprises and will make
great second and third reads. I just wish I knew how many books it was going to
take to tell the story the way I need to. I’m sure three isn’t enough, but six
might be too many, and it just is a bit weird for me cause I need to have these
things planned out. I’m weird that way. I guess I’ll just have to write and
wait and see how the story evolves.
Alongside
Joresch, I’m working on various stories in my Apokryphos Universe. It takes
place on a version of Earth and has similar themes and ideas to things like
Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Supernatural. There are ghosts, gods, demons,
vampires, magic and more. It’s a much bigger story though, with a lot more side
stories and characters than Joresch. It’s also a lot darker in a lot of ways
and, as anyone who’s played my Dark Earth campaign will tell you, it’s much
creepier than Joresch (even though Joresch has Chaos Wizards). I have to admit
that Apokryphos is more likely to be picked up and be more popular than Joresch
due to the current pop culture desires (i.e. vampires, supernatural heroes,
dark gothic settings, etc) but I don’t have as much planned or ready for it as
I do Joresch, which I’ve been working on much much longer. So, for now,
Apokryphos gets left behind a bit.
I’m also
considering starting up another blog that deals strictly with my role playing
stuff and, maybe, other people’s ideas. I don’t have a title for it yet, but I
do have lots of things to post in it, including stories about my time as a game
master, stories and campaigns I’ve run, favorite characters, my own creations
for various role playing games including Dungeons and Dragons and Pathfinder,
and more. It’s something I could probably write on every day to the exclusion
of working on anything and everything else, but I’d rather not. For now, it’s a
side project on my mind, but may have to wait till I can do things more full
time, or I have people interested in helping me with it and contributing to it
(and I have some people I’d like to talk to about it, so you never know).
While I
have a bunch of other things I’m writing on or otherwise trying to work on,
these are the ones I’m most interested in and working on the hardest. My only
other goal is to start writing at least one blog a day for Monday through
Friday. I know it’s good for me and I like to see that people are reading and
interested in the stuff I write. We’ll see how it goes, I guess. I always feel
like my blogs should be, at least, slightly important and reflective if not
informational. That wasn’t my intent when I started it, but I guess that’s sort
of what it’s evolved into.
Again, we’ll
have to see how things go.
It might be
that it turns into a weekly thing where I rant or just meander through whatever
thoughts wander through my brain.
Anyway,
welcome to Song of Chaos, and thank you.
Whether you
know it or not, you’ve helped me recover and get this far into my dreams.
Later days!
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