My Favorite Creation

            I am apparently in a good and creative mood today, and not terribly angry, so I thought I’d throw out a blog. Since I now have followers on Twitter (I feel dirty for having a Twitter, but I felt the need to share something with Linkara, cause he’s made me happy, so I thought I’d return the favor) I can post that I have a new blog up and maybe drum up some readers. If I have readers then maybe I’ll feel like working on more stuff. Today I feel like talking about what I feel is my greatest accomplishment and something that has been on my mind in stories recently.

            CHAOS WIZARDS.

            Now some of you know what a Chaos Wizard is. Others of you don’t. Some might think they know, or that I’m ripping something off, but to my knowledge, there’s nothing quite like them out there (and I fully admit my knowledge is VERY limited). So, what is a Chaos Wizard?

            If any of you shouted “Jacobar!” then I applaud you as he IS a Chaos Wizard, but there’s slightly more to them than Jacobar, despite what he might tell you. Chaos Wizards are a role playing/fictional creation of mine that spans a great deal of my life. They were a long time in the making and now I feel they have found their niche’ and that they are a fan favorite.They are people who are tied to the Primal Chaos in the Universe. They hear other worlds whisper to them. They see beyond what is perceived to what is real and true, and they draw on the power of Chaos to make the impossible reality. 

            They are also bat shit insane.

            THE GREAT STORY ABOUT HOW CHAOS WIZARDS WERE CREATED!!!

            This could take some time. There’s a LOT that fed into the creation of Chaos Wizards, not the least of which was my own role playing experiences and just life in general. Let’s see where to start them. I think the best is the name. I played a lot of Amber the Diceless role playing game, which is based on Roger Zelazny’s novels. I’ve played for 20 at least (almost always running) and I think that I’ve run so many campaigns and played it so much that I must have, at least at some points, struck upon ideas Zelazny himself had about the series and where it should go. I can’t say for sure, but I’ve done a lot. Some good, some bad, some unforgettable and genius. During these campaigns, I made up an enemy that sounded cool; Elder Chaos Wizards. Now, this was literally a powerful Sorcerer from the Courts of Chaos. They were nothing new or special, just powerful magic users. They had some nifty spells, but I never used them for much. They were tucked away in the back of what is generously called my mind, and I forgot about them. I think the next thing that inspired me was the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. I’ve read the series over and over, at least ten times or better, and they are probably my very favorite set of books. They make the Universe seem a reasonable place to live, which may inform readers of my mental status. Anyway, the Infinite Improbability drive was always something that fascinated me, really drawing me in. I always wish there’d been more with the ship and things (which is why I’m glad there was, if only a little, with the BBC Radio Series of the Hitchhiker’s Guide). I thought it was a brilliant idea, and again, it got tucked away with my favorite things in the back of my mind. Next we had an episode of the Simpsons. A Treehouse of Horror, which are my personal favorites of the Simpsons. Lucy Lawless said that when fanboys found and inconsistency in her show, a wizard did it. This became a running gag, the wizard who did it. One day, I was trying to come up with something new and fun for role playing, and all of those things tumbled together in my head to form the beginnings of Chaos Wizards. They weren’t set, but they were starting to form.

            Now, I started working in earnest on Chaos Wizards during the 3.5 age of Dungeons and Dragons, well before they’d announced 4.0. I was somewhat upset that they announced it cause I wasn’t done working on them, but they were coming along nicely. They needed balance, but in essence, Chaos Wizards were casters who could, a certain amount of times per day, affect probability, that is, take something that was nearly impossible and make it possible. They did this with Chaos. They would draw a bit of the Primal Chaos – that thing that makes us all live, grow, change and die – and bring it into their world and will it to do what they wanted. This was great. This was amazing. This was fun. However, they needed to have a drawback, more than just a limited amount of affect probabilities a day. So, I realized that Chaos is Chaos, after all, and that they might make a mistake. Who wouldn’t? What Wizard has cast spells perfectly every time? I mean, Bigby probably messed up a lot to find out what that fist could do, right? That’s how we learn. But this is Chaos.

Pure.

Primal.

Chaos.

This shit is fo’ reals, yo.  

So, seeing as how my lifelong love affair with comedy shows such as Monty Python, Benny Hill, SNL, Kids in the Hall, I decided that anything could happen. This idea came from the old Wild Mages in, I think, Advanced Dungeons and Dragons. There was a chart of random things that could happen when they used their powers. So, I sat down and with help from my long haired gay robot friend, I made a list of 100 things that could randomly happen if a Chaos Wizard botched.

This is where Chaos Wizards really began to shine.

That little bit of fear made people cautious of how they used it, but they used it all the same, and the results were often times disastrous, but other times highly beneficial and lucky. And that’s the nature of Chaos Wizards in general.

The first roll tester for Chaos Wizards will, to this day, say that when she roll tests for me she gets bit in the ass, but she enjoyed them. She helped shape them. And she isn’t alone. Almost all of my friends who role play with me have played a Chaos Wizard at least once. Some of them are better at it than others, but they’ll all say the same thing.

Chaos Wizards rule.

I made something fun to play. I made something that was totally different in use than other things. I made something that allowed you to play any type of character and still have the power. I mean, let’s face it, most warriors are stoic or handsome, strong and determined. Wizards are bookworms with power. Paladins are… well, the term broom up ass comes to mind. But with Chaos Wizards, you could play anything, and still be a Chaos Wizard, because they’re crazy. They’re nuts. They’re random. You could have a hulking, dour half-orc who is tied to the Chaos and hates kittens. You could have a dark, psychotic mental patient who finds out the voices are real and want to help. You could have a jolly, immortal human who has learned to love the Chaos and wants to share his gift with the world. There’s no limit on what your character can be, and your only limit in playing a Chaos Wizard is the limit of your own imagination. They are a very freeing class, and their limits are few and far between. Let’s face it, Game Masters, Story Tellers, Dungeon Masters, this is a game breaking class.

Unless you’re very good at what you do. If you know what you’re doing, if you love role playing, if your friends love role playing, then Chaos Wizards are almost like a kender; welcome so long as they’re not bored.

So, as Jacobar would say, “Get out of my room! Who are you people?! STOP PHOTOGRAPHING ME!”

Later days, kids.

PS: Here’s the botches we’ve come up with. The original first, the revised next. You may notice there’s a lot of the same things in the revised. That’s because I’m lazy.

1. All player characters in a 10 foot radius gain a permanent +2 to a random stat as rolled on a six sided die. 1 - Str, 2 - Dex, 3 - Con, 4 - Int, 5 - Wis, 6 - Cha.
2. Caster suddenly summons a number of tarasque equal to her level.
3. You summon a creature. A six sided die determines what you summon. 1 – Boomer, 2 – Hunter, 3 – Smoker, 4 – Tank, 5 – Witch, 6 All of the above.
4. Caster cannot control the VOLUME OF THEIR VOICE!
5. The caster changes gender.
6. Caster is sucked into space for 29 seconds before being returned safely to earth.
7. All player characters level up.
8. Number of enemies is doubled. If there are no enemies, you win, and all player characters gain XP equal to 100 x the caster’s level.
9. For 1 round per caster level, all player characters must dance. This does not affect any of their stats or abilities, they simply perform a jig as they attack, sneak, etc.
10. You find you are suddenly wearing a stylish bow tie. Bow ties are cool. You gain a +6 bonus to your best stat so long as you wear the bow tie.
11. All player characters lose caster’s half level points from their best stat permanently. This cannot be reduced below 10. (Karen thought of this one.)
12. Jean Luc Picard appears and salutes you in his most disappointed fashion.
13. The DM writes each player character’s name on a piece of paper. Each player draws a name and for a number of days equal to the spell caster’s level, will be trapped inside that player’s body.
14. A random player character is struck dead. You have three days to revive them through a successful Affect Probability before they are dead forever. If it is the caster that is struck down, they are dead for one full week before they come back, and everyone looks as they return and say, “Oh, hey, Kenny. Where have you been?”
15. For a number of hours equal to spell caster’s level, all player characters must sing when they speak.
16. A strange little boy appears and says, “I like trains.” You are then run over by a train and take damage based on your level.
17. Caster is suddenly crushed by a massive space liner called “Titanic”. In the background, while the caster is bleeding to death, you can see a big blue box and hear some british person saying, “What?” in an extremely surprised manner.
18. Spell caster is launched 40 feet into the air.
19. Caster gains a random magically enhanced weapon chosen by the GM.
20. All player characters lose 1000 x caster level XP permanently.
21. Caster explodes violently, like a popped balloon, sending debris and organs everywhere. If the parts are collected, caster is returned to life after an extended rest. If not, caster dies permanently.
22. Enchanted flames engulf enemies dealing deadly damage to all enemies within normal range and ongoing fire damage as well. If no enemies are present, spell caster is engulfed in flames. No damage is done, but the flames hurt and cause the spell caster to run around, amusing all present.
23. Caster’s gold is multiplied by caster’s level.
24. Spell caster’s gold turns into rotten turnips.
25. Caster’s nose becomes a potato.
26. Spell caster is trapped inside an invisible box (10 x 8 x 6) that is impenetrable for a number of hours equal to her level. Everyone else is unaffected by this, and cannot understand what has happened as they can hear and touch and even move the caster who cannot hear them or move beyond the constraints of the box. Someone will probably throw rocks, cause hey, who likes a mime?
27. Spell caster randomly vomits items she never ingested every five minutes for a number of times equal to their level.
28. Caster finds the muffin button, so lovely muffins can be enjoyed by all.
29. Spell caster becomes unable to make any noises at all, through speaking, clapping, banging around, etc. for a number of hours equal to her level.
30. Everyone within a 50 foot radius is suddenly dressed as a famous pop star (Lady Gaga, Justin Beiber, Katy Perry, etc). This is only an illusion, but a highly amusing one. All characters must make a Will save (DC 10 + Charisma Modifier) not to laugh. The higher a character’s Charisma, the more difficult it is not to laugh.
31. All players in a 30 foot radius lose all encounter and daily spells and abilities for the rest of the day.
32. Everyone in a 100 foot radius suddenly has a hand carved tobacco pipe in their mouths.
33. All weapons in a 40 foot radius vanish for 24 hours.
34. Caster cannot use any spells, or abilities, or do much of anything at all without first announcing it in a passionate manner, as in an anime cartoon. For example, to move, the caster must say something like “I now take my first step upon the journey to a new destination! One filled with wonder and joy!”
35. Everyone but caster turns invisible as in an invisibility spell.
36. All player characters are suddenly repulsed by the ground. They move as normal, but are unaffected by traps, springs, pits, and other things of the like as they float six inches off the ground.
37. All player characters may choose one free power of their choice from their class, blood, or twist of fate paths. The power must be level appropriate. If you have had this botch once and you get it again, all player characters are instantly reduced to 1 HP. This alternates, so keep track, or the GM won’t be nice.
38. Spell caster is reduced to the size of a child’s doll, or roughly six inches in height.
39. All water within 100 foot radius turns to delicious ale.
40. Caster is teleported five minutes into the future. Nothing happens. You just have to wait.
41. A random limb disintegrates.
42. A voice comes from nowhere and says, "I seem to be having tremendous difficulty with my lifestyle."
43. Caster sprouts bunny ears. No hearing bonuses are gained, and in fact, these ears are superfluous to his normal ears.
44. Caster becomes intangible, but their clothes and items do not.
45. Somewhere, a sun explodes. There is a chance that the sun could explode directly in front of you.
46. Caster speaks in a high, squeaky voice.
47. Caster gains, but is unaware of, Flame Breath.
48. Caster grows hideous scales all over her body. These scales give a +6 armor class but a -4 to all Charisma checks.
49. Caster's head is reversed. No ill effects come of this.
50. All player characters bounce for a number of hours equal to caster's level.
51. Caster becomes explosively allergic to sunlight.
52. Caster disappears until called for by an ally. When they appear, the caster must say, “Please state the nature of the medical emergency.” The caster may not move more than 20 feet away from a party member, or they vanish and must be called again. Any party member can “deactivate program” to make the caster vanish again. Time does not pass for the caster when they are “deactivated”, however, when they are reactivated they are refreshed as in an extended rest. This lasts for half level days.
53. Caster becomes a large painting. It is ornate and well rendered. They remain this way for caster level hours.
54. Player characters swell like balloons, and then explode violently while the caster watches. They reform five minutes later, painfully, recalling every excruciating detail and knowing precisely who did it to them.
55. Caster's head explodes. One round later it painfully re-grows.
56. All characters refer to caster as "that spoony bard" for a number of days equal to caster's level.
57. All characters within 100 feet of caster spontaneously slap themselves in the face.
58. Caster can only say their name.
59. Caster suddenly becomes the tackling amnesia patient, and will randomly (determined by the GM) rush someone and leap on them, screaming “WHO AM I?!”
60. Caster must refer to herself in the third person.
61. A random person appears and slaps the caster in the face before disappearing once again.
62. Caster is suddenly wearing a stylish hat that gives a +6 bonus to their best stat modifier. Only one hat may be worn at a time, but the bonus lasts so long as the hat is worn.
63. A random player character is suddenly struck in the chest with an arrow. As they fall they say, in a pained voice, “Message for you, sir!”
64. Invisible hand punches caster in the face.
65. Caster's heart turns into a fragmentation grenade, then explodes 3 seconds later.
66. Suddenly, monkeys.
67. Caster starts exuding magnificent rainbows.
68. Nothing happens, but everyone flinches.
69. A disembodied voice calls from the ether, "Don't forget to wind your watch!"
70. All characters within a 30-foot range suddenly sprout long, thick beards that would make any dwarf proud. Normal beards are doubled.
71. Somewhere within 30 feet of the caster, a “mysterious ticking noise” can be heard. Caster and those near have 2 minutes to find the sound and disarm it before it explodes, taking a large chunk of the world with it.
72. Caster activates the trap card!
73. Caster must sing an entire song that he or she knows as loudly as possible.  Caster may not move until song is complete, unless by choreography.
74. Player characters gain a permanent +10 to the stat score of their individual choice.
75. Player characters gain training in two skills of their choice.
76. Player characters learn an additional language, but language is chosen at random by the GM.
77. Player characters suddenly have multicolored, anime style hair and for a number of minutes equal to caster’s level, they speak in strange, broken, poorly translated english.
78. A creepy giant face appears and says. “NO.”
79. All characters within a 30-foot range urinate for a number of minutes equal to caster's level.
80. For a number of days equal to caster's level, all shops offer player characters in caster's group a "senior 10 % discount."
81. Caster teleports to the realm of chaos. What happens in Chaos, stays in Chaos, especially if Corwin's there.
82. Caster is amazed by everything and must make a save every "hour" in order to function normally as opposed to wandering around in a happy daze and commenting on how "wondrous" everything is.
83. Caster is viscously attacked by wiener dogs. Allies near would help, but it’s just so damned funny.
84. Caster is reduced to a fine powder. The powder is suddenly in a strange package labeled “Chaos Wizard in a Jar! Just add water!”
85. Caster is thrown by a devastating force nearly 100 feet before landing painfully.
86. Caster's eyes melt. Two rounds later they painfully re-grow.
87. For a number of minutes equal to caster's level, gravity looks away from caster.
88. Death appears and says, "Boo!"
89. Caster voids bowels.
90. A button appears next to the caster that reads “Do not press”. Being curious, the caster must press the button. A budo walks out, bows to the caster, then kicks them in the face, knocking them to the ground.
91. Caster summons a Deck of Many Things.
92. Caster is punched in the stomach by random people.
93. Caster loses control of their character for an undetermined amount of time. During that time, another personality comes out and enjoys the freedom. The alternate personality could be played by the player or the GM depending on the GM’s mood.
94. Caster cannot speak, unless in a deep voice with a serious face, and then they can only say the words “I’m Batman!”
95. Caster must say "itlan" after each sentence.
96. Caster drops the ground in the fetal position anytime anyone says caster's name.
97. Caster’s best stat increases by 25; all other stats become 10, but can be increased normally thereafter.
98. All player character weapons gain random enchantments determined by the GM. They may, or may not be permanent.
99. Caster’s skin becomes incredibly tough, adding a +10 to AC.

100. Summon a random deity.

100. All player characters in a 10 foot radius gain a permanent +2 to a random stat as rolled on a six sided die. 1 - Str, 2 - Dex, 3 - Con, 4 - Int, 5 - Wis, 6 - Cha.
101. Caster suddenly summons a number of goblins equal to her level.
102. A 30 foot radius is engulfed in a thick fog. All creatures in the affected area take a -2 to attack rolls.
103. Caster cannot control the VOLUME OF THEIR VOICE!
104. The caster changes gender.
105. Caster is sucked into space for 29 seconds before being returned safely to earth.
106. All player characters level up.
107. Number of enemies is doubled. If there are no enemies, you win, and all player characters gain XP equal to 100 x the caster’s level.
108. For 1 round per caster level, all player characters must dance. This does not affect any of their stats or abilities, they simply perform a jig as they attack, sneak, etc.
109. Number of enemies is halved. If there are no enemies, 10 goblins appear.
110. It starts to rain. If it’s already raining, the rain stops.
111. For a number of rounds equal to spell caster’s level, all player characters gain a +2 bonus to all attacks and damage rolls
112. The DM writes each player characters name on a piece of paper. Each player draws a name and for a number of days equal to the spell caster’s level, will be trapped inside that player’s body.
113. For a number of hours equal to spell casters level, all player characters become giants. Their clothes and items do not change size with them.
114. For a number of hours equal to spell caster’s level, all player characters must sing when they speak.
115. Player characters spontaneously switch clothes.
116. Spell caster’s clothes spontaneously jump 10 feet to the left.
117. Spell caster is launched 40 feet into the air.
118. For a number of days equal to spell caster’s level, player characters do not require food.
119. For a number of hours equal to spell caster’s level, player characters are turned into horses.
120. All plant life dies for a 10 mile radius.
121. Enchanted flames engulf enemies (1d8 damage per round). If no enemies are present, spell caster is engulfed in flames. No damage is done, but the flames hurt and cause the spell caster to run around, amusing all present.
122. Caster’s gold is multiplied by caster’s level.
123. Spell caster’s gold turns to goblin mucus.
124. Caster’s nose becomes a potato.
125. Spell caster is trapped inside an invisible box (10 x 8 x 6) that is impenetrable for a number of hours equal to her level. Everyone else is unaffected by this, and cannot understand what has happened. Some will probably throw rocks, cause hey, who likes a mime?
126. Spell caster randomly vomits items she never ingested each hour.
127. Spell caster speaks only gibberish, nothing anyone else can understand or decipher.
128. Spell caster becomes unable to make any noises at all, through speaking, clapping, banging around, etc. for a number of hours equal to her level.
129. Everyone within a 50 foot radius is suddenly dressed as a clown. This is only an illusion, but a highly amusing one. All characters must make a Will save (DC 10 + Charisma Modifier) not to laugh. The higher a character’s Charisma, the more difficult it is not to laugh.
130. All players in a 30 foot radius lose all encounter and daily spells and abilities for the rest of the day.
131. Everyone in a 100 foot radius suddenly has a tobacco pipe in their mouths.
132. All weapons in a 40 foot radius turn to stone for 24 hours.
133. Caster talks like a wookie.
134. Everyone but caster turns invisible as in an invisibility spell.
135. Caster develops an odor that would turn a troll's stomach.
136. All player character critical ranges become 10 - 20 for number of rounds equal to casters level.
137. Spell caster gains 200 pounds.
138. All water within 100 foot radius turns to delicious ale.
139. Caster is teleported five minutes into the future. Nothing happens. You just have to wait.
140. Caster develops a delicious aroma and all creatures within a 100 foot radius are attracted to caster and wish to devour her delicious smelling body.
141. A voice comes from nowhere and says, "I seem to be having tremendous difficulty with my lifestyle."
142. Caster sprouts bunny ears. No hearing bonuses are gained, and in fact, these ears are superfluous to his normal ears.
143. Caster gets amnesia.
144. Somewhere, a sun explodes.
145. Caster speaks in a high, squeaky voice.
146. Caster gains, but is unaware of, Flame Breath.
147. Caster grows hideous scales all over her body. These scales give a +1 armor class but a -2 to all Charisma checks.
148. Caster's head is reversed. No ill effects come of this.
149. All player characters bounce for a number of hours equal to caster's level.
150. A random player must perform open-heart surgery on the caster. 
151. All non-preserved food within 50 feet (including fruit hanging on trees, vegetables on the vine) rot.
152. Caster is suddenly irresistible to the opposite sex.
153. Player characters gain 1 extra feat.
154. Caster's head explodes. One round later it painfully re-grows.
155. All characters refer to caster as "that spoony bard" for a number of days equal to caster's level.
156. All characters within 100 feet spontaneously slap themselves in the face.
157. Caster can only say their name.
158. Caster believes she can fly.
159. Caster must refer to herself in the third person.
160. A random person appears and slaps the caster in the face before disappearing once again.
161. Caster is suddenly wearing a stylish hat that gives her a +2 to Charisma while it is worn.
162. Caster summons a number of ducks equal to 10 plus 2x her level. Ducks seem confused and simply look around saying, "Quack?"
163. Invisible hand punches caster in the face.
164. Caster's heart turns into a baked potato.
165. Caster summons a large ship.... 20 feet above her.
166. Caster's feet suddenly become roots and caster cannot move from the spot.
167. Nothing happens, but everyone flinches.
168. A disembodied voice calls from the ether, "Don't forget to wind your watch!"
169. All characters within a 30-foot range suddenly sprout long, thick beards that would make any dwarf proud. Normal beards are doubled.
170. Caster gains Midas Touch, but doesn't know until she touches something.
171. The caster teleports 400 miles in a random direction.
172. Caster must sing an entire song that he or she knows as loudly as possible.  Caster may not move until song is complete, unless by choreography.
173. Player characters gain a permanent +10 to the stat score of their individual choice.
174. Player characters gain training in two skills of their choice.
175. Player characters learn an additional language, but language is chosen at random by the DM.
176. Player characters suddenly have multicolored, anime style hair.
177. Caster's mouth vanishes.
178. All characters within a 30-foot range urinate for a number of minutes equal to caster's level.
179. For a number of days equal to caster's level, all shops offer player characters in caster's group a "senior 10 % discount."
180. Caster teleports to the realm of chaos. What happens in Chaos, stays in Chaos, especially if Corwin's there.
181. Caster is amazed by everything and must make a Will save every "hour" in order to function normally as opposed to wandering around in a happy daze and commenting on how "wondrous" everything is.
182. Caster vomits a delicious and hearty stew for a number of minutes equal to caster's level.
183. Caster is reduced to a fine powder. She may be reconstituted with water.
184. Caster makes a permanent rude gesture with hands. (Such as flipping the bird)
185. Caster's eyes melt. Two rounds later they painfully re-grow.
186. For a number of minutes equal to caster's level, gravity looks away from caster.
187. Death appears and says, "Boo!"
188. Caster voids bowels.
189. For a number of hours equal to caster's level, whenever caster speaks, fine, strong thread erupts from her mouth instead.
190. Caster's hair changes color, but hair is now found all over body like fur.
191. Caster is punched in the stomach.
192. Caster grows two feet taller.
193. Caster becomes opposite alignment. If caster is unaligned, the DM may choose an alignment.
194. Caster must say "itlan" after each sentence.
195. Caster drops the ground in the fetal position anytime anyone says caster's name.
196. Caster’s wisdom increases by 25; all other stats become 10, but can be increased normally thereafter.
197. All player character weapons gain an additional +2 to attack and damage rolls.
198. Caster’s skin becomes incredibly tough, adding a +10 to AC.

100. Summon a random deity.